The Caynons Movie (2013)

Independent Film Masterpiece. You may only recognize Lohan in this and quite potentially James Deen a male PornStar but these things are very besides the point. This is filmed in the realist low budget format you can imagine almost placing you right there in the movie. You see flip phones and older cars on the road telling you the movie was filmed maybe a decade back. Robert Ebert gives a review that the film was too low budget & Low Light / un-sexy in regards to a scene where Lohan prepares for her BF to come upstairs with another couple to the bedroom. However the low light and low distant music made you feel as if it was more realistic. The filmmakers are creative by also doing a scene where Lohan speaks to woman direct yet the nearby people are almost muted to where you can’t hear them. Yet when the importance of her conversation is over the surrounding people go un-mute and you can hear them speaking. Genius setup as to giving you the feeling you are there and can’t hear anyone else until your anxiety simmers from the conversation. Next Ebert goes on to say how it’s hard to distinguish between on-screen Lohan and Personal real-life Lohan and how the movie role and her real life seem very similar. My thought on that is who gives a fuck Ebert?! Maybe that IS her life so sit back and watch or just watch a character going through hard times in the rich areas of CA. Ebert also makes a snarky comment of how Lohan has a scene where she tries to black-male her BF into gay sex on camera. Ebert’s response was something like… the film hinted towards homophobia as if he is discrediting the fact that some straight males would lose their minds being caught having any gay encounter on camera especially as Deen is a known millionaire. Which was also a realistic scenario that would never been approved by big budget film makers. Here in independent film making there are no rules & outlaw shit of film making and that’s why low budget films rule. Deen’s role is one of a B-Level Grammy. Meaning, sure the movie was low budget but you don’t know Deen in any other film besides porn so how can you call him fake, terrible, good or bad as this is his only ever serious film. Thus making his performance perfect and believable. He is a real asshole in the movie and shows us exactly what unlimited money produces in a human. Lohan even confesses she is only with him for money and gives an Oscar performance of how she can never go back to the poor life, ever again. One thing to really understand is this movie is about Lohan’s character, don’t ever confuse that and you will be locked in to the movie. Everyone else is supporting roles and living their own smaller paths in the film. Also take note that these are movie stars and though they don’t talk specific movies or other celebrities in conversation keep in mind Lohan and her circle are all celebrities yet unnamed because names only make you think of real celebrities. You want to watch this as if it’s a story you never heard about with famous peoples lives. Plus as Lohan shops and lives the life in her BF’s mansion another ex BF of Lohan’s who is still in love with her is struggling to stay a float. Now here is the kicker, though this EX BF of hers is broke and drives an old car and basic clothing/apartment living…he is still none the less in the vicinity of upscale California not too far from the Hollywood Hills. So the film is merely describing how even mid-to-high class folks think they have drama in paradise too. There are many women in relationships like Lohan’s character leeching rich men for money living borderline disgusting lives they allow -yet there are also some women living those exact same lives completely truly happy. So think about that shit and how crazy it is to think two completely opposite people could live the same style of life and feel exactly opposite. That’s some shit that shows you how different people really are. Make sure going into this film you understand it is a D-List, B Movie, low budget, filmed very bargain style…and that my friend.. is the VERY beauty of it! It’s the fact that you could visualize the low budget and put yourself in the shoes of the movie. Then at that point you are no longer just watching it because you like movies or like certain styles of movies…rather, you are watching it to see someone’s actual life and found yourself inside the movie seeing it right in the drivers seat. When I saw online that not one single person could give this movie more than 1 star rating with very closed minded reviews..That’s when I knew this was going to be a hard to find cult classic someday. Now that I have this review here. I can prove to the world I was the very first to see the beauty in this film before any other critic did. Enjoy.

Published by Skoo-B

Check out my feedback on live music, events, venues and movie reviews that have me feeling like the Siskel and Ebert of fun shit. The soundtrack to my life and which events/shows & movies to look for. Also check out my website: for more pictures and events of how we do it in West Seattle, WA.

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